Friday, 8 July 2011

Freaky Fridays: Horror-Scopes Part I

Is it Friday already? Well why didn't you say so? Remember when you were my Russell Brand Man Date? And that time when you slept over at my house?! We sure know each other SO well now but SOME jealous perverted idiots are questioning our compatibility (especially when it comes to the films we watch)!!!! Everything we saw this week was wicked, right? Our friendship was written in the stars! AND SO IT'S TIME FOR SOME FRECKLIN HORROR-SCOPES - EEK!

Week #3.5: Rubber, Willard, Pi, Inside, I Saw The Devil and Fermat's Room

Aries, you ARE a born leader and that's why I like you! There are no half-measures with you which is why Rubber is your freaky film of the month! Whether you are cruising ladies, blowing off a bunny's head with your psychokinetic mind powers or just watching some t.v, you are always edgy (despite your deceptive exterior!)! Boy, I know you also like to travel so mind if I tag along?? Why, you ask? Ah, no reason! The journey might be barren, long and boring at times... however any tire that can reincarnate into a cute tricycle is okay with me!

Don't be shy, Taurus, I know you have everyone's best interests at heart! You know who you remind me of? Willard, of course! You two are so sensitive, but I wouldn't like you any other way (you're mum is crazy, so forget that whole Clark thing)... You know that beauty is not about looks which is why we both saw straight through that trifling, Big Ben. He might be bigger than everyone else but he was trouble from the start! Just like that old love rat, Martin! Ew! Who needs enemies when your friends are always trying to nibble your ears!? AH!

Pi is the perfect match for you, Gemini! You take interest in all sorts of weird things: the old whispy neighbour from Ace Ventura, mysterious computer chips and the occasional charming Jew! Is there anything you CAN'T do?! One minute you are flashing images of scientific graphs and the next... Seeing God through your whacko number ideas! HA HA! Not everything is always black and white but nevertheless, your adaptabilty certainly makes you an interesting subject! You even made me think of Herbert Bayer's nightmarish self-portrait (right)! Although your communication with others is compromised by your intelligence, I don't mind. We don't have to talk, just make sure you take that brain out of your sink before I come round! (Everyone knows you can tell a psycho from their bathroom... Durrr... Never seen Se7en? )

Cancer... Don't get so emotional! How could I forget about you when you scared me out of my wits the other day?! Your pick of the month is Inside! Only a night owl like you could appreciate such darkness! And that is what makes this film so bloody scary... What you DON'T see; the use of shadows and lack of natural light appeals to you and your love of mystery. Shiesh! When you popped up at my window I thought it was the devil with a ponytail... Everyone loves to keep a memento, but please put that baby down! ouch!

Hey Old Boy, yes! YOU with the crazy mane! Leo! Don't growl at me... I'm just getting to you! Well you are I Saw The Devil, dum dum! Tell me, why are all the best serial killers always from Korea?! If anyone should know a thing or two about revenge by now, it should be you! Your film is JUST like you, don't deny it... Fierce, full of physical appetite and always trying to make an impression! GRRR, like a tyrannous tigress! I'm not really a fan for long relationships but 2 hours and 20 minutes spent with you just whizzed by! Let's do it again sometime! I like you so much, I wish I could be a Leo. You know what else? You remind me of Memories of Murder, are you two related? From the mise-en-scene (see below) to your drippy police department, you both make me laugh and scream all at the same time... HAHAHAHA AAAAAAAAAAAA!

Not everyone can be born a genius, hey Virgo?! It's sure hard work trying to be a narcissistic voyeur and I should know! Fermat's Room didn't scare me as much as the others but I still loved it! Maybe because it was a geeky version of Saw - with better looking and smarter victims! Your desire for perfection, excellence and good time keeping makes you the ideal student for this experiment and so I look forward to seeing you at the old grain factory via the assistance of pythagoras! You're also full of information so being friends makes me feel a little bit more knowledgeable after hanging out togethz. I know what you mean... Mister Luppi looks real different now that he's older and no longer licking blood off the bathroom floor but he is still our favourite gramps on screen... Eeee!

We are only halfway through the year, but I need a cup of tea now to calm these frail old granny Florence nerves... See you back here later?!

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