Thursday, 23 August 2012

Freaky Friday: Girl Gone Drag

  Hey, Friday Child! Everyone knows you gotta respect a momma because they is the women who have inspired and become the world’s craziest killers in horror –Mrs Voorhees (Friday the 13th), ‘Mother’ Psycho, the Evil Grandmother from Red Dragon, Beverly (Serial Mom), and Margaret White (Carrie) – you are just the greatest! That is the reason why I cannot bumpin wait to see Julianne Moore get into a nightgown and teach me a Christian lesson or two, a-men! So, what I wanna know is. Who’s YOUR favourite Carrie White?

  Seeing as Carrie is like a teenage Matilda to me, (but following the ‘genius years’; soon after her mother made her go Aryan blonde) I’d have to go with… Sissy? No no no, okay Raja!… Angela Bettis or Chloe Grace Moretz? I’m still not sure, so spill the pig swill, girrrrl, on what you think (and NOT onna my heed)! I always think that Lynne Ramsay would direct this plot particularly well as she knows how to handle a troublesome teen. However, the original is still good enough for me – I screamed, cried AND got dizzy at the prom! Of course it’s the scariest of the week – dur.

  Out of the Dark is - mmm – this and that. Bobo has to be the first 80’s killer who you’re more suspicious of why they insist on changing into converse every-time they kill rather than why they're wearing a clowny clown clown mask – that’s not a look; that’s a wimpy Halloween costume that no s-lut I know is going to be wearing this year!!! Wah wah. All the men are legit crazy and of course the only attractive she-male in Out of the Dark is Divine… Of course, well, this killer who turns out to be clichéd and overly confused (hello? No-one’s called Joanne anymore) is atleast organised: filing nipples under N in an office cabinet is the most stylish way to bring orderly neurosis to justice these days.

  Dayum, Girl! Zombie Prom is a lot of things but a horror film? It ain’t. It’s Grease – but more like Grease 2… if you get what I mean. And like most films it could be so much better without that distracting ‘George of the Jungle’ narration blah blah. I agree, that the horror in this film is (beyond obvious) implicit – the premature loss of love, scary bombs and being part of a feared minority are all present – however all of these ‘fears’ bare no real threat in a fully conclusive 36 minute film. It’s short-lived but breathing is so over-rated anyway. RuPaul is perfect for the role of Mz Strict in every aspect of her performance – not even a Tranny Chaser could keep up with that diva.

I'm afraid i'm feeling a little frail in my mothering old age so that's it for tonight - anyone else thinking of going as Sharon Needles for Halloween this year? So Shriek!

Friday, 26 August 2011

Freak Fridays: horror/thriller/whatever

I think it's time that you and I arranged a heart to heart! Could you please not talk when I'm talking? Well I'M waiting for everyone to be quiet! Would you like to spend your break-time with me?! I didn't think so! So it's time to get down to some serious homework! Another academic year is about to commence so this week we're studying some college-y stuff. Now pay attention!

Week #5: Cutting Class, Student Bodies, Cherry Falls, The Invisible Maniac and A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010).

oh no no no, don't mind wiping that gross worm spit on me just because i'm from the city! Cutting Class features Brad Pitt as the usual beef jerky and this girl who is just plain bor-ing. urgggh i wannnnt that rinnng... WHY DON'T YOU MARRY IT ALREADY??/ I don't get it! Nice title though, hmm? Actually, in this film there is little time spent out of school! which is a good thing... My favourite death of the week was by xerox machine, afterall! Now class, if you fast forward to 35:26, you will see THE CRAZIEST LOOK EVERR from that donut-headed, Dwight. haha! steamy... NOT! this guy spends all his day hanging out in dustbins, wearing bowling shoes and then wonders why everyone thinks he's a nut job. It wasn't scary but it was something. a bit of gozz I guess, and did you stay till the credits? i'm still trying to work out who 'crusty old man' was?!

Student Bodies surrrre knows how to rile me up, that's for sure, as it introduces the world's most annoying killer ever. urrrrrrrk! stop breathing like that already! no wonder i can't concentrate with old breathalyser test over here flobbering out. LOLZ and i can't believe it has THAT clichéd ending! girrrrrrrrrl. However, it was funny, I guess! Get THIS... the killer.... wears washing up gloves AND... his weapons vary from egg plant to paperclip! My favourite quote of the week was also from this film: 'Physical beauty can be a handicap too!' Blurgh! i ain't touching no gunk!

Next up is Cherry Falls. One thing I've picked up on is why don't these schools have uniforms??? Stylists should be taking example from Seconds Apart, The Woods, even Pretty Persuasion!! soon you'll be letting the students get their toes nibbled! ick! And can I add that r.i.p murphy is a fricasseeing ferr-eaaak in this film???! AND IT IS CRAY.Z WICKED! This film should be called 'The Pringles Effect'!!! Obvz it IS the best of the week! DJ Qualls even shows up, and he should be in everything! (however considering him to be a geeky dreamboat might be a teeny bit too optimistic this time round!?)

The Invisible Maniac made me think... if Professor David Lurie could be invisible, this is also what he'd be doing! Planning lesson plans, bow ties, lab rabs... this film is scientifically legit! When that bunny turned invisible my jaw. actually. dropped. Scary? nur hurr. Educational? perhaps! Imagine if this guy was your dad!? Haha how embarrassing! One thing though, Mister Dormwinkle turns invisible and all of a sudden he's sugar ray robinson?! drop-kick that see-through loon already!! what are you waiting for???? Another gem from this week that was released in 1990! and what a reaaaal fine year that was!

A Nightmare on Elm Street? Blah, I don't know, all the girls are so annoying, and so are the boys! and it's just not the same without the old Frederick C. Krueger, amen to that. I might have jumped twice but I can't be bov'd to watch it again. Although! falling asleep in class gives me the jeebers now, BUT arrrr. I don't know. You know what I mean!?

Class Dismissed!

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Freaky Whatevz! Ar-oooooo!

I know it's no longer Friday but being so close to a full moon... well... I'm not really allowed out of the basement! YOU look different too! Do something different to your hair? What do you mean, 'it turned like that over-night'??? Shiesh, I guess you like to dance as well? LELAND?! It looks scary alright... Speaking of scary, how about we get on with some spooky films?!

Week #4: Fade of the Cries, Small Town Murder Songs, Cursed, In a Glass Cage and The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.

Fade of the Cries was just awwwwwwwweful. Jacob - Jeez, like I ain't heard that name a berzillion times already this century!! And then there's the scrawny guy from American Pie... yeah, you know which one i mean, girrrrrl! Well, he's evil this time round! And actually kind of okay, I suppose... But the girl. THAT GIRL!? She's so flip-time annoying that it makes me want to like this film. If you want to be annoyed, that is?! Moving on...

Small Town Murder Songs... Is it just me or did the beginning of this week just feel boring to you? HAHA! Well, don't be TOO harsh, boring is perhaps the wrong choice of word, although it may have been a wrong choice of film on my behalf! A nice title, a reaaaally religious soundtrack, a killer moustache like mr. fussy and a loony old gran all made this film good. Amen to that! However... It wasn't funny, it wasn't scary... When you find out who the murderer is, it's just sort of like ahh shrug, you should have known it was me, and plus I don't care anyway! Lock me up and throw away the key! But I wouldn't say it was the most pointless film ever... It was just one of those trips to purgatory that we didn't find that fun... Let's go somewhere more exotic next time?

If we do plan to go on holiday again, let's make it somewhere where we can celeb watch ALL day! Somewhere like Cursed! There are sooo many wick actors in this film - where to start? Christina Ricci, PACEY from DC! Zombieland boy... Peter Petrelli... Mya and another appearance from an ex American Pie actor (Miss foreign exchange!). But this scary flick isn't just a pretty face! Hello noo! This was scary and fast! You get to see quite afew werewolf becomings, and within the first two seconds of the film, you already get the best AROOOOO ever! OW OW OWWWWW!

Another week, another Paralyzed Nazi Pedophile! Finally, we got to sit down and watch this film after weeks of hearing about how crazy it is... And it's true! You actually get fear in this film AND blood! I guess that's true too, it's so awkward because of, well, everything! Not even that euthanising mother is getting near ME! It's probably one of those films that you should just watch alone, but I still liked it a lot. And that boy who looks like Lucas Battich has a great fashion sense! Can I hold your coat while you do that?

Now, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari was... hmm! Researching horror films, you come across this one allllllll the time. Caligari IS so spooky, especially with those mickey mouse gloves! LOL! But to me, maybe it was just too theatrical... All that piano and all that make-up didn't scare me one little bit! But times have changed I guess! Just because we were giggling half the time doesn't mean it was bad, or anywhere near the worst of the week. The entire film looked like it was fed through a xerox machine, and I WANT A XEROX MACHINEEEEEE!

Obvz Cursed gets crowned the best of the week! See you back soon, web-roomie? Make sure no one catches you though, yer jam clutz!

Monday, 11 July 2011

Horrorscope Catch-up! (Freaky Tues!)

I'm back! Didn't keep you waiting too long did I? Just catching up on some long lost Jungle Book time... Now that WE are going to be friends till the bitter end, I suppose we should finish what we started and get through the rest of these horror-scopes?! Say yes already, Byron!

Week #3.5: Rammbock, Baxter, Trick 'r Treat, Vacancy, Seconds Apart and Martyrs

You're a Libra, hmm? Interestingly enough, your film is Rammbock! I know how much you love to socialize so it's about time we dug up a zombie movie for you. You don't mind chatting to zombz (as long as they fix the flippin radiator) and that girlfriend of yours attracts you even MORE now that she's one of them! It's obvious that you're a big softy at heart, from your bear costume to your fork preservation, so I forgive you for all those times you made me jump... In Rammbock, everything is infected with lurrrve and you sure are willing to go to great lengths to keep it that way!

Scorpio, you're the hot-dog with the sexy french accent! I think I'll call you Baxter! You are the strong and silent type: you might be a man's best friend on the surface but hellllll, underneath it all you are a natural born lady killer... so look out all unsuspecting granola bars (and your crafty ballet dancing won't disguise that devilish tail of yours)! A dog that likes to be dominated with a psychopathic nazi-wannabe for an owner is challenging AND magnetic! So lets stick together from now on! Here, boy!

Seems as though your luck just ran out, SAGITTARIUS, because you are Trick 'r Treat!!! Who told you to blow out the jacko-lantern, you blinkin idiot????!! You say your secret desire is to make a difference in the world by following some ancient freaky rules? I'm in!? Anyway it's a secret no more, suckaaa! You can tell me anything!! So what did you do last Samhain? Werewolves? Serial killers? Spooky Halloween myths? Clowns???? ANNA PAQUIN??!! Okay, slow down! There is so much going on, turns out that there IS more than just one side to you... Half Man, Half beast is an understatement! We could go trick or treating together if you weren't so blindly optimistic... AAA! BEHIND YOU!!!

Capricorn! What are we going to do with you?! You are, of course, Vacancy. The level-headed horror with one of our favourite brothers... Luke Wilson! There's nothing airy fairy about this film, no sir-ee! And featuring an underpass of rats that would make even Willard squeal, no wonder you're so courageous! Some might say you're not always the most exciting person to be around and I can see why: who is that annoying chick you bought with you? Kate Beckinsale? I don't care if she's your wife, she's moany, boring and sooo needy... Get rid of her already!!! Well anyway, you've got yourself into this mess now so don't expect things to get better over night - you'll have to get a room till tomorrow... Can I recommend room 4?

Look who it ISN'T! Aquarius, didn't I just tell you your horror-scope already? That was your TWIN??! Then you must be Seconds Apart... It is perfectly clear just how differently YOU want to experience life! So let's cause some telepathic college trouble, shaaaaall we (bagsie the sensitive diabetic twin, Jonah!)??! And i'm not talking about girly kindergarten stuff! Creepy, scary stuff like that weird porn film you made last week (girrrrl, you DON'T wanna know!)!! Being a revolutionary, you are also able to embrace anything new... Care for a new hairstyle? Like I even have to ask!

Last but not least is Pisces! Ever heard of a Martyr? I hadn't till I met you (because that's your film, dummy!)! You were the most intense this week... I had to sleep with the light on! You are mature, dealing with scary grown-up issues such as being possessed by weird creature-things, being in love with your crazy friend and the usual disposing of the dead... But towards the end, there are qualities within you that I'd never expect to find! I am so shocked! Being calm, compassionate and empathic during torturous times made everything a zillion times worser to watch! A A! but I can't watch anymore. You are wise and spiritually developed, despite being MENTAL!!!!! Phew! I'm glad i ain't a smarten like you!

Friday, 8 July 2011

Freaky Fridays: Horror-Scopes Part I

Is it Friday already? Well why didn't you say so? Remember when you were my Russell Brand Man Date? And that time when you slept over at my house?! We sure know each other SO well now but SOME jealous perverted idiots are questioning our compatibility (especially when it comes to the films we watch)!!!! Everything we saw this week was wicked, right? Our friendship was written in the stars! AND SO IT'S TIME FOR SOME FRECKLIN HORROR-SCOPES - EEK!

Week #3.5: Rubber, Willard, Pi, Inside, I Saw The Devil and Fermat's Room

Aries, you ARE a born leader and that's why I like you! There are no half-measures with you which is why Rubber is your freaky film of the month! Whether you are cruising ladies, blowing off a bunny's head with your psychokinetic mind powers or just watching some t.v, you are always edgy (despite your deceptive exterior!)! Boy, I know you also like to travel so mind if I tag along?? Why, you ask? Ah, no reason! The journey might be barren, long and boring at times... however any tire that can reincarnate into a cute tricycle is okay with me!

Don't be shy, Taurus, I know you have everyone's best interests at heart! You know who you remind me of? Willard, of course! You two are so sensitive, but I wouldn't like you any other way (you're mum is crazy, so forget that whole Clark thing)... You know that beauty is not about looks which is why we both saw straight through that trifling, Big Ben. He might be bigger than everyone else but he was trouble from the start! Just like that old love rat, Martin! Ew! Who needs enemies when your friends are always trying to nibble your ears!? AH!

Pi is the perfect match for you, Gemini! You take interest in all sorts of weird things: the old whispy neighbour from Ace Ventura, mysterious computer chips and the occasional charming Jew! Is there anything you CAN'T do?! One minute you are flashing images of scientific graphs and the next... Seeing God through your whacko number ideas! HA HA! Not everything is always black and white but nevertheless, your adaptabilty certainly makes you an interesting subject! You even made me think of Herbert Bayer's nightmarish self-portrait (right)! Although your communication with others is compromised by your intelligence, I don't mind. We don't have to talk, just make sure you take that brain out of your sink before I come round! (Everyone knows you can tell a psycho from their bathroom... Durrr... Never seen Se7en? )

Cancer... Don't get so emotional! How could I forget about you when you scared me out of my wits the other day?! Your pick of the month is Inside! Only a night owl like you could appreciate such darkness! And that is what makes this film so bloody scary... What you DON'T see; the use of shadows and lack of natural light appeals to you and your love of mystery. Shiesh! When you popped up at my window I thought it was the devil with a ponytail... Everyone loves to keep a memento, but please put that baby down! ouch!

Hey Old Boy, yes! YOU with the crazy mane! Leo! Don't growl at me... I'm just getting to you! Well you are I Saw The Devil, dum dum! Tell me, why are all the best serial killers always from Korea?! If anyone should know a thing or two about revenge by now, it should be you! Your film is JUST like you, don't deny it... Fierce, full of physical appetite and always trying to make an impression! GRRR, like a tyrannous tigress! I'm not really a fan for long relationships but 2 hours and 20 minutes spent with you just whizzed by! Let's do it again sometime! I like you so much, I wish I could be a Leo. You know what else? You remind me of Memories of Murder, are you two related? From the mise-en-scene (see below) to your drippy police department, you both make me laugh and scream all at the same time... HAHAHAHA AAAAAAAAAAAA!

Not everyone can be born a genius, hey Virgo?! It's sure hard work trying to be a narcissistic voyeur and I should know! Fermat's Room didn't scare me as much as the others but I still loved it! Maybe because it was a geeky version of Saw - with better looking and smarter victims! Your desire for perfection, excellence and good time keeping makes you the ideal student for this experiment and so I look forward to seeing you at the old grain factory via the assistance of pythagoras! You're also full of information so being friends makes me feel a little bit more knowledgeable after hanging out togethz. I know what you mean... Mister Luppi looks real different now that he's older and no longer licking blood off the bathroom floor but he is still our favourite gramps on screen... Eeee!

We are only halfway through the year, but I need a cup of tea now to calm these frail old granny Florence nerves... See you back here later?!

Friday, 1 July 2011

House of Horrors!

Where've you been hiding all week, scary? I know it's Friday but no reviews this week... Sorry, i'll make it up to you! I double swear, pinky promise... well whatever! Instead, wanna snoop around a little? AAA! DON'T TOUCH THAT! AND WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???!!!!....

oh that? haha! there are way too many creepy, grumpy photo's of our family lying around for just anyone to pick up... so I'll just pop this over here next to that freakin weirdo toy! sure it can hatch those cute furrified babies but I don't trust those big old bug eyes!

AAA! did you leave that t-rex head on the door again? well I certainly didn't... everytime I look into that dino-eye, I get the heebies for sure! So let's not watch Jurassic Park tonight, okay? OR planet of the apes! I swear only last week that chimp was wearing your beret!

EEK! per-leaz look away, I told my mom to put that poster DOWN! (will the embarrassment never cease???) where does she even find this spooky stuff? Is that a rat? MOMMMM! oh no, it's okay now... but can you please remove that freaky bratz doll from out of my face, I'm about to turn the light out. Will you do my hair all glamorous like that tomorrow? HAHA! just kidding... but leave the outside light on... just incase!?

yawwwwn... is it morning already? OMFGZ!!!! WHERE DID THIS EEEEEVIL BELLIED PIKE COME FROM? A A A A! if I wanted to be chased by those pincers I would be watching Sword in the Stone already. Look at that ugly thing... just lurking in the shadows!!! I think it's time you leave, and quick!

Friday, 24 June 2011

Freaky Fridays: Take Two/Of Your Freaky Five!

Welcome back! Five horrors a week is good for you, no? so I suppose it IS Friday once again so let's venture into some spookified scenes...

Week #2: The Gestapo's Last Orgy, Day of the Woman, My Little Eye, The Lovely Bones and Brain Dead. (And Un Chien Andalou)

The Gestapo's Last Orgy was sort of like Salo, but with Nazis. But with a soft spot... I know! Lise is just as torturous as she plans her escape! She chews up that doctor then spits him out like beef jerky. She is so deadly serious like a femme fetale who has no choice but to be a meaaan meaaan mother! I liked it.

Day of the woman was the original of I spit on your grave (member from last week?). They are two completely different films apart from the protagonists are both vengeful, manipulative and beautiful kick-asssss women! woo hoo! you go girls! Day of the woman was less believable though... Miss Hills is so sweet to her victims, the men are so so so so so dumb, they don't even have to be tricked into being killed! And in this original version, Jennifer gets to enjoy the luxury of her own home whilst she makes some eeeeevil plans. Although this version was much faster than I spit on your grave, I thought the remake was scarier.

My Little Eye was really scary although I had no idea what was going on half the time, especially at the end of the film! This is exactly how all those series of Big Brother should have ended... with the contestants finding out that actually no one has been watching them (no one cares - durrr!) and then being picked off one by one for random reasons. And just like Big Brother, most of the characters are so annoying that you're glad when they finally get shut up!!! Especially blondie, what's her name again? I forget. Gurrrd riddance.

Let's discuss The Lovely Bones and Brain Dead, shaaaall we? The Lovely bones lacked everything that made Brain Dead awwwwesome, despite both being directed by Peter Jackson. Lovely Bones had that girl narrating with that dreary, limp voice throughout the whole film which just drove me insane. The females in this film, after watching women with so much power e.g. in I spit on your grave, just made it soooo not intense at all. And why did that girl who could see the dead not try and stop George from pushing the stupid safe into the ground? It was more fantasy than horror because of all that girliness. Now, the serial killer WAS scary. And the dad had eyes to fear! But it would have been so much better if Lynne Ramsay would have directed it, she's a woman who isn't a big sissy like Jackson is.

Brain Dead was so gorey and bloody and cool. One day I hope I can take care of my old mam with the same amount of dedication and love. Who cares if Brain Dead is old? That nasty old rat/monkey from skull island gave me nightmares and hiding behind Bryon seems to be becoming 'the scare test.' And I did quite afew times! Just wondering, have you seen Film Geek yet? Scotty Pelk's favourite Peter Jackson film is Brain Dead (or Dead Alive in the States!)!!! I also like the Spanish Title: Your mother ate my dog! LOLza!

Now these blogs are getting so long, they are just silly ramblings so my plans for 5 a day might/might not go ahead. It might give me good healthy facial features from all this screaming! A A A A A ! Un Chien Andalou is not typically seen as a horror but I thought I'd mention it as the opening is one of the scariest things i've ever seen, EVER! 16 minutes of this film in black and white is waaaay more exciting, funny, scary, enduring and impressive than anything within the whole 2 hours 15 minutes of The Lovely Bones (yes, I sat through ALL of it, and it should have been shorter). Brain Dead was the best of the week!