Monday, 11 July 2011
Horrorscope Catch-up! (Freaky Tues!)
I'm back! Didn't keep you waiting too long did I? Just catching up on some long lost Jungle Book time... Now that WE are going to be friends till the bitter end, I suppose we should finish what we started and get through the rest of these horror-scopes?! Say yes already, Byron!
Week #3.5: Rammbock, Baxter, Trick 'r Treat, Vacancy, Seconds Apart and Martyrs
You're a Libra, hmm? Interestingly enough, your film is Rammbock! I know how much you love to socialize so it's about time we dug up a zombie movie for you. You don't mind chatting to zombz (as long as they fix the flippin radiator) and that girlfriend of yours attracts you even MORE now that she's one of them! It's obvious that you're a big softy at heart, from your bear costume to your fork preservation, so I forgive you for all those times you made me jump... In Rammbock, everything is infected with lurrrve and you sure are willing to go to great lengths to keep it that way!
Scorpio, you're the hot-dog with the sexy french accent! I think I'll call you Baxter! You are the strong and silent type: you might be a man's best friend on the surface but hellllll, underneath it all you are a natural born lady killer... so look out all unsuspecting granola bars (and your crafty ballet dancing won't disguise that devilish tail of yours)! A dog that likes to be dominated with a psychopathic nazi-wannabe for an owner is challenging AND magnetic! So lets stick together from now on! Here, boy!
Seems as though your luck just ran out, SAGITTARIUS, because you are Trick 'r Treat!!! Who told you to blow out the jacko-lantern, you blinkin idiot????!! You say your secret desire is to make a difference in the world by following some ancient freaky rules? I'm in!? Anyway it's a secret no more, suckaaa! You can tell me anything!! So what did you do last Samhain? Werewolves? Serial killers? Spooky Halloween myths? Clowns???? ANNA PAQUIN??!! Okay, slow down! There is so much going on, turns out that there IS more than just one side to you... Half Man, Half beast is an understatement! We could go trick or treating together if you weren't so blindly optimistic... AAA! BEHIND YOU!!!
Capricorn! What are we going to do with you?! You are, of course, Vacancy. The level-headed horror with one of our favourite brothers... Luke Wilson! There's nothing airy fairy about this film, no sir-ee! And featuring an underpass of rats that would make even Willard squeal, no wonder you're so courageous! Some might say you're not always the most exciting person to be around and I can see why: who is that annoying chick you bought with you? Kate Beckinsale? I don't care if she's your wife, she's moany, boring and sooo needy... Get rid of her already!!! Well anyway, you've got yourself into this mess now so don't expect things to get better over night - you'll have to get a room till tomorrow... Can I recommend room 4?
Look who it ISN'T! Aquarius, didn't I just tell you your horror-scope already? That was your TWIN??! Then you must be Seconds Apart... It is perfectly clear just how differently YOU want to experience life! So let's cause some telepathic college trouble, shaaaaall we (bagsie the sensitive diabetic twin, Jonah!)??! And i'm not talking about girly kindergarten stuff! Creepy, scary stuff like that weird porn film you made last week (girrrrl, you DON'T wanna know!)!! Being a revolutionary, you are also able to embrace anything new... Care for a new hairstyle? Like I even have to ask!
Last but not least is Pisces! Ever heard of a Martyr? I hadn't till I met you (because that's your film, dummy!)! You were the most intense this week... I had to sleep with the light on! You are mature, dealing with scary grown-up issues such as being possessed by weird creature-things, being in love with your crazy friend and the usual disposing of the dead... But towards the end, there are qualities within you that I'd never expect to find! I am so shocked! Being calm, compassionate and empathic during torturous times made everything a zillion times worser to watch! A A! but I can't watch anymore. You are wise and spiritually developed, despite being MENTAL!!!!! Phew! I'm glad i ain't a smarten like you!